


Take My Hand (Take My Whole Life, Too)

by kyungscultleader



Series: Can’t Help Falling In Love With You [1]
Category: GOT7
Genre: Jackson is a little messed up, M/M, and mentions of suicide in the second chapter, please don't expect a happy ending, probably inconsistent writing, snapshots of Mark and Jackson's relationship, there is some nsfw stuff in the second chapter, they say fuck sometimes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-03
Updated: 2018-11-07
Packaged: 2019-08-17 06:39:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16511216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyungscultleader/pseuds/kyungscultleader
Summary: Maybe they would be perfect for each other, or maybe they were doomed from the start. Either way, Jackson won't give himself the chance to find out.Crossposted to aff





	1. 01.  Summer

**01.  Summer**

 

Jackson groans as Yugyeom and Bambam walk before him, hand in hand and stopping to share sweet, innocent kisses. He knows he shouldn’t be mad, he knows he has no right to feel bitter about their happiness, but he does. He thinks that maybe a part of it is jealousy; he’s never really had anyone like that. He dated a bit in high school, fooled around in college, but he’s never had a partner - someone to hold in winter or someone to share his ice-cream with in summer. No one has captured his heart quite the right way, and not for lack of trying.

He wants someone. Someone to come home to and share secrets with. He doesn’t want to spend his life alone. He wants what Yugyeom and Bambam have, what his brother, JB, has with Jinyoung, what JB had with Youngjae.

And maybe, Jackson thinks, that’s the other reason he rolls his eyes when he sees the way Bambam smiles up at Yugyeom. Maybe, he reasons, it’s not just jealousy. Maybe it’s fear too, concern for his friends and the love that they share. He’s seen how much it can destroy someone to lose the person they love and he’s seen how quickly that loss can happen.

He remembers exactly how heartbroken Jaebum was when Youngjae-

Well, the point is he remembers. Sure enough, JB has Jinyoung now - Jinyoung who is so kind and sweet to JB, who helped him through his grief over losing Youngjae, who never pushed and was always as patient as JB needed him to be. Jinyoung, who had been in love with JB since they were kids, who Jackson spent years growing up with while watching him be in love with JB while JB belonged to someone else.

Love, Jackson had decided long ago, brought nothing but pain to everyone who experiences it. Yet, he wants it. Despite the fear and the uncertainty and all the heartache he’s seen, he wants to feel love.

And for a second, he thinks he does, as his eyes meet those of a boy a few yards away, sitting on a park bench with a fluffy white dog. The boy smiles at Jackson and Jackson’s heart jumps at the way he shakes his head to get that rich brown hair out of his eyes.

Jackson glances ahead of him, only to see that Yugyeom and Bambam are already in their own world. Hands and lips intertwined, Jackson doesn’t think he’ll be missed if he decides to step away for a moment.

So he does.

Feeling a rush of courage, he ignores the way his cheeks warm and his palms start to sweat and he heads across the green lawn of the park over to the pretty brunette boy with the dog. He looks at his feet the entire time, afraid that if he looks up too soon he’ll chicken out.

When he does finally look, he’s met with the most brilliant smile he’s ever seen. Sparkling brown eyes, plump lips and the cutest little vampire teeth that has Jackson’s heart doing flips.

“Hi,” the boy says, and the deep voice sends shivers down Jackson’s spine.

“Hey,” Jackson says back, his voice almost broken as though it hasn’t been used for days. He thinks that’s just his nerves.

The boy smiles again and pets his dog but his eyes don’t leave Jackson’s and there’s a certain look that Jackson can’t quite figure out but he knows he likes it.

“Uh, I’m Jackson,” he adds and holds out his hand, like an idiot.

Mark glances at the hand with a raised brow and shakes it.

“Mark,” he replies. With a nod of his head, he mentions, “this is Coco,”

Jackson properly looks down at the small dog for the first time and he can’t help but note the likeness between Coco and the dog that Youngjae had wanted when he and JB decided to move in together. The thought of JB and Youngjae and their doomed love makes Jackson want to leave, to prevent the heartbreak he’s so sure is coming, but then he looks at Mark again and there’s sunlight shining on that brown hair like a halo and Jackson knows that he’ll stay. For Mark, he’ll always stay.

Mark throws a ball and Coco jumps off the bench to chase after it. Mark taps the empty spot on the bench that Coco left.

“Sit,” he says, “I don’t bite,”

Jackson notes the way the side of Mark’s mouth twitches up into an almost smirk, and he notices those pearly white canines again and another thing Jackson suddenly knows is that he wouldn’t really mind if Mark did bite.

He sits anyway, and his thigh brushes against Mark’s. The warmth of his touch shoots through Jackson’s entire body in an instant and Jackson can tell that Mark is going to ruin him. The thought makes him want to run. Still, he stays.

Jackson is ever so grateful when Mark speaks, as it seems Jackson is unable to really find words around this man.

“So, what are you doing at a dog park, without a dog?”

Coco runs up and drops the ball at Jackson’s feet. Jackson smiles, scratches the top of her head and throws the ball. He should be glad he wasn’t looking at Mark in that moment, because the soft look on the elder’s face may have sent Jackson into cardiac arrest.

“I’m just here with my friends,” he explains, leaning back to get comfortable and twisting his body ever so slightly so that he’s facing Mark. “they like to come here to look at the dogs. I wasn’t doing anything else so they dragged me along. Happens a lot, actually,”

“Really?” Mark questions and ducks his head down,”I figured, a guy that looks like you do would have quite the social life,”

Jackson smiles at the words. He smiles more at the tones of pink dusting Mark’s cheeks.

As he replies, Jackson resists the urge to hook his finger under Mark’s chin and tilt his head so that Jackson can see that beautiful face properly.

“A guy that looks like me, huh?” He says through the embarrassed lump in his throat, “what does a guy like me look like?”

 

“Like you have girls lining up at your doorstep,” Mark answers easily, finally lifting his face to look at Jackson again.

“It’s not girls I want lining my door,”

There’s a moment. A beat. A silence.

Jackson hopes Mark understands what he’s trying to say, the unspoken message he wants to convey.

And it seems like he does, as his mouth twitches up into a half smile that is enough ammunition to fuel Jackson’s fantasies for a week.

Jackson wants to kiss him.

He’s leaning forward before he realises it, and he can tell Mark is inching closer too and their lips are about to touch and it all feels a bit like a fairytale, but then Coco is jumping on Mark’s lap and the boys are shooting apart far too soon.

They share sheepish smiles, both too embarrassed to say anything or to try again (though they’re both longing for it). Jackson’s heart is racing, and Mark looks so unaffected but, oh, if Jackson only knew the way Mark’s blood was running hot and the thoughts that were plaguing his mind.

Mark opens his mouth to say something, but Jackson doesn’t get to hear it as another voice calls his name first.

“Jackson!”

He looks around and finds Bambam rushing toward him, Yugyeom tailing behind him, hands still tightly connected.

“Hyung, we thought we lost you!” Yugyeom called out.

Jackson slumps. It’s not that he isn’t happy to be spending time with his friends, but rather that he would prefer to be spending more time with Mark. Alone.

That ugly, jealous feeling rose in his chest once more - they had long ago found their princes in each other, isn’t it Jackson’s turn?

“Yeah, sorry,” Jackson looks at his lap and runs a hand through his bleached hair, thoroughly dishevelling it. (He doesn’t notice the way it makes Mark squirm) “This is Mark,”

Mark finally looks away from Jackson’s perfectly sculpted face and offers a wave to the two younger boys.

Bambam looks between Mark and Jackson and a knowing smile grows on his face.

“We just got caught up talking. You two were kinda far ahead anyway, and I know when I’m third wheeling, guys,” Jackson says.

“You weren’t third wheeling!” Yugyeom argues. Even Bambam gives him an oh, really? look. Yugyeom chuckles and shrugs, “not on purpose,”

“I know, Yug,” Jackson smiles, “it’s fine. It’s getting later, anyway. I’m sure Mark has things to do, and I know we need to start heading back before it gets too late. I don’t want JB to worry,”

A frown flashes across Mark’s face at the mention of this JB person. He’s glad Jackson doesn’t notice because he knows he has no claim on Jackson to be jealous. Still, he was sure that the blonde was about to kiss him - is Jackson really the kind of person to do that when he has someone else to go home to?

Bambam nods. “Yeah, that’s why we came to get you. We didn’t really want to interrupt your, um, chat,”

Yugyeom flick’s Bambam’s ear when he sees the teasing smirk his boyfriend is taunting Jackson with. Bambam hisses a sharp ow.

Jackson shakes his head, wishing the ground would swallow him whole instead of letting Mark see his friends acting like this.

“You two can go on ahead, I’ll catch up in a minute,” Jackson says like he can’t shoo them off fast enough. Bambam makes a comment too quiet for Jackson to hear and Yugyeom drags his boyfriend off with a see you soon, hyung to Jackson and a nice to meet you, Mark hyung to Mark.

Its silent for a long minute once Yugyeom and Bambam leave, very nearly awkward, aside from the small sounds of Coco chewing on her ball. Mark throws the ball, and the two watch as the Maltese bounds after it.

“So,” Mark starts, but he doesn’t look at Jackson, not yet. It kind of breaks Jackson’s heart but Jackson thinks he might not mind having his heart broken by Mark. “you have to go, I suppose,”

“Yeah,”

Jackson doesn’t take his eyes off Mark. At this point, he doesn’t actually think he can - there’s something about the boy that has Jackson hooked.

“Who is JB?” Mark asks. He hopes that Jackson can’t hear the jealousy in his voice. He takes a breath and reminds himself that he has no right to be jealous.

“My older brother,” Jackson answers quickly. The jealous tone of Mark’s voice makes his heart rate increase, but he doesn’t want Mark to get the wrong idea and lose his chance.

“Oh,”

Mark finally looks at Jackson just in time to see the satisfied smile that flashes across his face.

“What did you think?”

Jackson knows what Mark thought, but he wants to hear Mark say it. If Mark says it, it means that Jackson isn’t crazy and he just might have a chance with this boy. It means feelings are there and Jackson wants nothing more than to see them bloom, together.

“I thought he might’ve been your boyfriend,” Mark admits, happy, for once, to be wrong.

“If I had a boyfriend, why would I be trying to kiss you?”

“I don’t know. I don’t really know you, after all,”

Jackson smiles. He shuffles closer to Mark and wow he didn’t realise before just how shiny Mark’s eyes are and suddenly he’s finding it hard to breathe but he manages to whisper “I want you to know me,”

It’s like something from a cheesy romance movie, the kind of dramatic lines in teen dramas that Jackson hates but for some reason, it’s the most honest thing he could think to say in the moment. He wants Mark to know him, everything about him. His fears, his hopes, his dreams. He wants to know Mark too, inside and out, body and soul. He wants Mark to be the person he holds, the person he shares ice cream with, the person he comes home to. He wants Mark.

“Go on a date with me,” Jackson says. It comes out much more like an order than he intended, but he can’t seem to care too much about that right now as he’s just laid his heart on the line, bare and ready for Mark to step all over if he wants to. (Jackson hopes he doesn’t want to.)

“Okay,” Mark says. Jackson does a double take.

“You do?”

“Yeah,” the smile that Jackson loves so much returns to Mark’s face, “did you expect me to say no?”

Jackson chooses not to mention that he expects the worst when it comes to love and romance. He doesn’t say that he knows they won’t last, or that he’s already counting down the days until Mark leaves him with nothing but an empty future, a broken heart and a head full of memories that he will never get to relive.

“I didn’t know what to expect. I don’t know you either, yet,”

Bambam and Yugyeom call out to him again, and this time Bambam taps his wrist where a watch would be. Jackson gets the hint and he and Mark hurry to exchange numbers. They’re like a couple of bumbling teenagers, giggling and taking cute selcas to save their numbers under.

Jackson still wants to kiss Mark, but they’re arranging a date so he doesn’t rush. Instead, he stands, gives Mark a close-lipped smile and a small wave, and he leaves with a promise of a date.

Mark watches Jackson go, and he wonders briefly exactly what he just got himself into. Whatever it is, he’s already decided, he doesn’t mind as long as Jackson is there beside him.

 

 

 

 

Jackson was worried. His knee was bouncing up and down nervously as his eyes scanned the menu before him.

What was he thinking, choosing this place? He knows exactly what he was thinking - he was trying to impress Mark. He wants their first date to be so amazing that Mark can’t possibly turn down the opportunity for another. Jackson wants to sweep Mark off his feet, more than anything, so he picked the best Italian restaurant in their area. Five stars and full of white silk and romantic golden lighting and table service, Jackson thought it was perfect. What could set the romantic mood better than pasta, champagne and some dim lighting?

But Jackson didn’t realise then, he didn’t realise until now, when it was too late to fix it, that there was a flaw in his brilliant plan. He realises now that he can’t read a single thing on this menu and he’s definitely going to make a fool of himself while on his very first - now likely to be only - date with Mark.

He berated himself, with a chant of stupid stupid stupid stupid being uttered under his breath, and then he heard it - the most angelic noise to ever grace the earth; the laughter of Mark Tuan.

“What are you doing?” He asks between giggles, “aren’t you going to greet your date?”

Jackson remembers his manners and shoots up from his seat to greet Mark (maybe with a hug, but he hasn’t thought that far ahead yet) and help the other into his own seat. But Jackson is nervous and fumbling and already worried that he’s going to embarrass himself, so he doesn’t realise soon enough that he hasn’t pulled his own chair out and he hits his knee against the table as he stands.

 

He hisses an ouch and briefly rubs his knee before straightening and giving Mark his best I’m totally not embarrassed by that smile. It’s only then, when Jackson really gets a chance to look at Mark (who is still laughing at the younger’s misfortune) that he sees how utterly gorgeous the boy truly is. In this moment, looking at Mark in black skinny jeans and a light pink button down, standing in the soft light of a five-star restaurant, Jackson decides that Mark is an angel and Jackson will do whatever it takes to keep him safe and unharmed by anything. He wants Mark to stay this beautiful and pure forever.

Jackson opens his mouth to say hello, but what comes out is, “you’re beautiful,”

Mark’s cheeks flood with colour and he nibbles his plump lower lip to dull his smile.

“Thank you,” he says, “you look really good too, Jackson,”

The boy in question looks down at himself. Black jeans, dark blue button down. It’s nothing special. Nothing like the way Mark looks standing there, so soft and perfect that Jackson actually wonders whether or not he’s allowed to touch

Probably not.

“Oh!” The sound makes Mark jump, and he raises a curious eyebrow at the way Jackson is digging into the back pocket of his tight, tight jeans. Mark already loves those jeans.

“I got you these,” Jackson hands Mark a small, kind of crumpled, bouquet of plastic and silk cherry blossoms.

“You got me fake cherry blossoms?” The gesture warms his heart, even if he doesn’t completely understand it. Mark thinks that’s something he likes about Jackson, the way his mind works in those abstract ways.

Jackson shrugs. “You mentioned when we were on the phone the other night that cherry blossoms are your favourite and you hate that they die so soon. These ones won’t,”

Mark hugs the flowers to his chest for just a moment, and then steps forward to hug Jackson. No one had ever got him a gift so sweet and thoughtful and he wanted to make sure that Jackson knew he was appreciated.

“I didn’t get you anything,” he mumbles into Jackson’s shoulder, “I’m sorry,”

“Don’t be,” Jackson replies, his arms finding the perfect spot around Mark’s waist and letting them rest tightly there, “I wasn’t expecting anything. I got those for you because I wanted to make you smile. You have the most amazing smile,”

Mark nuzzles his face into the side of Jackson’s neck, and Jackson can feel the heat in Mark’s face but he doesn’t say anything. They part too soon, but they are in the middle of a fancy restaurant where public displays of affection are probably not appreciated.

Jackson pulls Mark’s chair out for him, like the gentleman that he is, and he relishes the way Mark’s lips pull back into a small smile.

Mark picks up a menu and Jackson wants to bang his head on the table or stab his eye out with a fork or anything that meant he didn’t have to be here from this point forward. When Mark arrived, Jackson was so lost in his beauty he forgot about the issue on the table; he still can’t read a damn thing on the menu.

Jackson looks across at Mark, who is staring at the menu with such an intensity that Jackson wishes more to hide. He should’ve known from the start that Mark was out of his league - not only can is he fluent in English and several other asian languages, but the guy can speak Italian too! How did Jackson end up in this position, on a date with someone so impressive as Mark?

Mark takes a moment from reading the menu to ask Jackson how his knee is but Jackson forgets how to speak when Mark’s warm hand is under the table and rubbing his lower thigh until it finds his knee. The action is intended as a comforting one, Jackson knows, the look of concern on Mark’s face says as much, but Jackson can’t help but feel a little discomfort at the touch. It’s almost embarrassing, the way his heart starts to race and his pants seem to be getting tighter from this alone.

Oh god, Jackson thinks, what have I gotten myself into?

His heart starts to race for an all new reason when the waiter comes to their table and asks if they’re ready to order.

 

Mark pulls his hand back and smiles over at Jackson. He sets his menu down and tells the waiter that he’s ready when his date is. Jackson wants to beam and puff out his chest when he’s referred to as Mark’s date, but instead, he’s too preoccupied not knowing what any of the food in this place is.

With a deep breath, Jackson swallows his pride.

“I actually need a few more minutes. It all just looks so good I can’t choose just yet,” okay, so he didn’t swallow all of his pride but it was enough to buy him some time.

“Have you narrowed down a few?” Mark asks Jackson once the waiter leaves. He practically lays his entire body across the table to look at Jackson’s menu with him and Jackson will be damned if it’s not one of the most attractive things he’s ever seen. In another situation, he wouldn’t mind having Mark bent over a table. “Maybe I could help you pick?” He offers, and Jackson is forced to take his mind off of the way Mark’s back is arched.

“Mark,” he begins and raises his head to meet Mark’s eyes. Their faces are dangerously close and Jackson gulps down the urge to pull Mark down into a searing kiss. “I have a confession to make,”

Mark backs up into his chair.

“Oh,” he says and glances around him, suddenly seeming smaller and more insecure than Jackson thought possible. “You’re not about to tell me JB really is your boyfriend, are you? Because that was maybe something to mention while we’ve been texting the last couple of weeks,”

“Ew, no, of course not,” Jackson says and reaches a hand out to hold Mark’s, hoping the action brings him some sort of comfort. It seems to work a little, as the tension visibly leaves his shoulders. “he really is my brother, and Mark, I swear there is no one else whose hand I would rather be holding right now.”

No one else I’ve spent weeks thinking about kissing, either he thinks, but he doesn’t dare say it.

“No,” he continues, “I need to tell you that…I can’t read a single thing on this menu so I think you’re actually going to have to read the entire thing out to me,”

There’s a pause and then Mark has burst into a fit of laughter. One hand clutching his stomach, the other still holding Jackson’s, Mark has tears in his eyes from how hard he is laughing. Jackson would love to hear that laugh every day of his life.

“Well,” he says, wiping his eyes once he’s finally calmed down, “that might be a bit difficult because I haven’t got a clue what this says either. I was pretending to read it so I would impress you,”

Jackson smacks his hand against his forehead. “I’m so sorry, Mark. I picked this place because you said you love Italian and I wanted our date to be perfect and now we can’t even order,”

Mark squeezes Jackson’s hand.

“Don’t be so hard on yourself. I really don’t mind what we eat or where we are as long as you’re there with me,”

Jackson brings Mark’s hand up to his mouth and kisses each of his knuckles gently. This man is far too good for him.

“We can just pick something out at random and hope we like it?” Jackson suggests weakly, trying to save the date.

Mark glances down at the menu. All of this stuff is really expensive for really small portions and he doesn’t want to waste either of their money.

 

“We could do that,” he offers, “or we could grab a pizza and head back to my place?”

“I promised you Italian. What kind of potential boyfriend would I be if I didn’t follow through on my promises?”

“Potential boyfriend, huh?”

“You noticed that?”

“I notice you,”

Jackson stands and pulls Mark up with him. “Let’s get out of here.”

 

 

 

 

They talk for hours. Jackson isn’t one hundred percent sure how many hours exactly, but he knows that the sun was barely setting when they left the restaurant, and now it’s pitch black outside.

They talk about everything. Their hopes, their dreams, their fears. Something Jackson was worried about was conversation. They’d been texting non-stop for the past two weeks since they met and between the innocent (and sometimes less innocent) flirting they talked about real things. They shared their political views, they discussed the theories behind their favourite tv shows, they talked. They got to know one another. What if Jackson had already exhausted all of his best conversation topics and Mark thinks he boring?

Jackson is very glad that didn’t happen, he muses as he watches Mark talk animatedly about an anime he recently finished watching.

Jackson doesn’t tell Mark about Youngjae, or about how he’s afraid of truly falling in love but that he thinks he’s falling for Mark anyway. He does tell Mark that he’s the most ethereal man he’s ever seen and that Jackson is so lucky to be allowed on a date with him.

Mark tells Jackson that he’s too much, but the way Mark lets his hand linger on Jackson’s shoulder lets Jackson know that Mark likes it.

They finish 2 and a half large pizzas.

Jackson looks at Mark’s lips far more than he feels he should be allowed to. He can’t seem to stop himself though. The kitchen light is on somewhere in the background, casting a yellowish glow across the side of Mark’s face and Jackson can perfectly make out the silhouette of Mark’s lips, his long neck, the way his Adam’s apple bobs as he speaks.

He doesn’t know what comes over him, but his hand comes to rest on Mark’s face. Mark stops talking immediately, opting instead to shuffle closer to Jackson.

Their eyes are locked on each other, staring deep into the other’s soul. It’s love, they know it. Maybe not yet, but they know it will be.

It’s Mark that makes the first move. He scoots closer to Jackson and turns his body on the couch so he can throw a leg across Jackson’s lap. Jackson wasn’t prepared for Mark to be straddling him and he struggles to calm himself down.

“Should I move?” Mark asks, but it’s barely above a whisper. He doesn’t want to move, not when he can see the effect he’s having on Jackson by the look on the younger’s face and especially not when he can feel Jackson beneath him and all Mark wants to do is kiss him.

“Please, don’t,” Jackson ushers back. “I’d really like to kiss you, Mark. If that’s okay?”

Mark doesn’t say anything but he pushes his body firmer against Jackson’s and bridges the gap between their lips.

Jackson tastes like pizza sauce and mozzarella, and Mark tastes far too much like spicy pepperoni for Jackson’s liking but he can’t bring himself to care too much when Mark’s tongue is swiping at his lower lip and his hips are grinding down against Jackson’s own.

Strong hands grip Mark’s hips as Jackson opens his mouth for Mark. Jackson lets Mark’s tongue overpower his easily, it’s less of a battle and more of a dance. Suddenly Jackson can feel small vampire teeth tugging just right at his lower lip and he mewls into Mark’s mouth.

Hands tangle themselves in Jackson’s hair and now Jackson is trailing sloppy kisses down the side of Mark’s neck.

“Fuck, Jackson,” Mark’s breathy voice sounds like a prayer.

Jackson’s lips leave Mark’s neck and he rests his forehead against Mark’s. Eyes closed, heart pounding, breath almost gone, he utters, “can I stay with you tonight?”

He feels Mark hesitate, so he continues. “I’m not suggesting anything that you don’t want to do. I’d just really like to hold you tonight,”

Mark gives him a smile. His lips are red and swollen from Jackson’s kisses and Jackson still thinks he’s the most beautiful being to exist.

They spend the night cuddled together in Mark’s bed, sharing small kisses and light touches.

Jackson still knows the heartache is coming, as it always does. He doesn’t know when it will happen, but he doesn’t mind too much. He thinks that maybe, even if they only have tonight, it will be worth having his heart broken for Mark Tuan.


	2. 02.  Fall

**02\. Fall**

 

Summer flies by in a whirlwind of soft kisses and hand holding and Jackson blowing off his friends to spend time with Mark. It’s beautiful. It’s perfect, if not somewhat fleeting, their first summer together. Things change over summer. Mark’s hair is now a dusty blonde, their kisses are hungrier, Mark and Coco spend more time at Jackson’s house and Jackson thinks less about the inevitable heartbreak being with Mark will cause.

Fall lands upon them softly, like dead leaves landing on pavement. Fall, as it turns out, is a time of firsts. Jackson doesn’t think he is quite ready for fall.

Their very first first of fall is a fight in early September.

Jackson doesn’t remember what started it, or what Mark had said. But he remembers what he said. He knows he said horrible, awful things that he of course doesn’t mean but he had wanted to hurt Mark when he said them. He succeeded, as Mark is now locked in Jackson’s bedroom, curled in a corner and crying so much he doesn’t know how the tears are still coming.

Somewhere in the background, Coco is barking small, sharp yaps at Jackson. He wants to agree with her, because he doesn’t like himself very much right now either.

Jackson is pacing across the kitchen, resisting the urge to throw every plate and every cup and yell and scream and tear out his own hair. He is conflicted. He is angry, so, so angry and yet, all he wants to do is go into the bedroom of his tiny apartment and hold Mark until he stops crying. It’s stupid, he thinks, fighting. How is it that this is the man he loves (he hasn’t told Mark that yet, but that’s a first for another time) and yet all Jackson had wanted to do was cause him pain? And now, Jackson wants to be the one to take that pain away.

Love is stupid. Love hurts and love causes you to hurt. Jackson never truly wanted to hurt Mark, that was never his intention, but in the heat of the moment it had felt so good to make Mark cry - all because Mark had made him angry. He hates that love makes him feel like this.

He doesn’t go into the bedroom and comfort Mark like he wants to.

What he does, is he grabs his jacket (the light blue denim one that Mark got him, so they could match) from where it’s hanging haphazardly over the couch and he leaves. He makes sure to slam the door loud enough that Mark knows he is gone.

 

 

 

 

Jackson pounds on the door, foot tapping impatiently until Jinyoung finally opens it.

“Jackson?” He is a little confused that Jackson is here, but he still steps aside when Jackson storms in.

Jackson removes his jacket and places it neatly on the coatrack. Despite his anger, he won’t disrespect Jinyoung or the home he shares with JB.

Jinyoung can sense that something is wrong - he and Jackson have always been on the same wavelength like that. He lets Jackson take a moment to make himself comfortable, and Jinyoung is already on his way to the kitchen so he can make Jackson a hot chocolate, like he always did when they were younger.

“JB isn’t here,” Jinyoung tells him when Jackson plops down on the sofa.

“I came to see you,” Jackson tells him quietly.

After Jackson and JB’s dad left and their mother killed herself because of it, JB, Youngjae and Jinyoung had pretty much raised Jackson. Often times Jackson and Jinyoung bonded over things that JB and Youngjae could never quite understand.

For Jinyoung it was his longing for JB while also wanting him to be happy, even if it wasn’t with him. For Jackson, it was his longing for someone, anyone that was all his own. He knew that even Jinyoung he had to share with JB, and JB he had to share with Youngjae. Jackson was always the baby, and he never truly had to share his mother. Still, loss of romantic love broke her heart and the familial love she had for Jackson just wasn’t enough to keep her.

“What happened?” Jinyoung asks as he comes to sit beside Jackson, placing a steaming mug of hot chocolate and a plate with a couple of cookies on the coffee table.

Jinyoung loves Jackson, and he will mother him as long as the younger man needs him to.

Jackson heaves a heavy sigh.

“Mark and I,” he starts, speaking into his hands, “we had a fight,”

Jinyoung rubs Jackson’s back in comfort as he asks, “Was it a bad one?”

“I made him _cry_ , Jinyoung. And then I left!” He looks at Jinyoung now, searching the elder’s eyes for any sign that he might actually have an answer to Jackson’s problems, “How could I do that to him?”

“Everyone fights, Jackson, I’m sure you didn’t mean it,” Jinyoung says.

“I didn’t mean it but that doesn’t make it better! Is this what love is, Jinyoung? Am I doomed to make him cry and then comfort him, only to make him cry again in the future? Is that what our relationship will be?”

“I don’t know. I wish I could tell you no, that won’t happen but it might. You just have to get through it and think of the good times too,”

Jackson sits back, wipes his eyes and takes a sip of his chocolate. For the first time in his life, it’s not comforting. It doesn’t warm his body or taste like all his problems will go away like it used to in these situations. It doesn’t taste like anything, and his problems aren’t going away because when he closes his eyes all he sees are Mark’s, filled with tears and the hurt on his boyfriend’s face as he retreats into the bedroom and away from Jackson.

Jackson isn’t looking at jinyoung when he asks, “Is it worth it, hyung?”

Jinyoung looks at Jackson and his heart hurts for the younger. The past few months with Mark…Jinyoung thinks this is the happiest he’s ever truly seen Jackson. He doesn’t want him to lose that, but he also knows better than to try and make up Jackson’s mind for him.

“That’s for you to decide,” Jinyoung tells him.

Jackson doesn’t speak for a while, just swishes his hot chocolate around in the mug.

When he finally speaks, it’s not what Jinyoung is expecting.

“I don’t think it is,” he says. “Love only hurts people. It killed mom, I saw you struggle with your love for JB my whole life, I saw how shattered JB was when he lost Youngjae-”

“Youngjae was different,” Jinyoung reminds him. “That was a different situation,”

Jackson takes a shaky breath. He can feel his own tears coming on, and all he wants is to be in Mark’s arms until the tears leave. It’s funny how suddenly the tables can turn when you’re in love, Jackson thinks.

“I know it was,” he continues, “but the point still stands. In the end, love will hurt you. I don’t want to hurt Mark anymore, hyung,”

“I know you don’t,” Jinyoung can see Jackson’s eyes shining and pulls him into a hug. “But before you completely make up your mind and decide to end things with Mark, let me ask you something. This morning, before the fight, when you woke up with Mark sleeping next to you, how did you feel?”

For the first time in what feels like forever, Jackson smiles. He thinks about Mark and how beautiful he looked asleep with his hair mussed and a little bit of dried drool on the corner of his luscious mouth.

“I wanted to kiss him,” Jackson admits. “I always just want to kiss him,”

“Do you really think it’s worth losing that?”

 

 

 

 

Fall is Mark’s favourite season, that’s something Jackson knows. Mark loves the crunching leaves, the orange tones everything seems to have, the pumpkin spiced lattes and the excuse to wear oversized sweaters that go far past his fingertips and drive Jackson wild with just how cute he looks.

Jackson knows that, so on his haste to get back to his apartment, back to Mark, he stops to buy a pumpkin spiced latte and he promises that later on he will take Mark to pick out whatever sweaters he wants. Jackson also buys a small headband with a little bear on it, in hopes that if he wears it he will look so cute that Mark is unable to walk away from him, or at the very least he makes Mark laugh as he leaves.

He doesn’t knock on the door this time, since it’s his apartment. He rushes in and the first thing he sees is Mark, red puffy eyes, bag in hand, Coco in his arms, dark blue denim jacket on - the counterpart to Jackson’s own - and heading straight for the door.

“Where are you going?” Jackson manages once he takes in the scene before him.

“Home, Jackson,” Mark says, and the way he spits Jackson’s name isn’t something he ever wishes to hear again.

Mark makes a move to leave, and Jackson lurches forward, closing the door behind him. “Please don’t!”

He knows he’s begging. He knows he sounds pathetic and stupid and he’s the one who made Mark cry and left him alone in the first place. He knows he doesn’t deserve Mark, but he’ll grovel and plead as long as he has to.

“You left me, alone, crying, in _your_ house, Jackson. Tell me why I shouldn’t leave?”

Jackson wills himself not to say it. This isn’t the right time, this isn’t how he wants it to go, this isn’t perfect like it should be because Mark is perfect,

He says it anyway.

“Because I love you! I’m sorry I made you cry and I left, I acted childish and I know that now. I’ve never fought with someone I love before. I’ve never _been_ in love before, I didn’t know how to react and I’m so, so sorry Mark. Please just give me another chance! I have a pumpkin spiced latte for you and I’m going to take you sweater shopping later and I will wear this stupid, embarrassing headband for as long as you tell me to but please don’t leave,”

Sometime during Jackson’s confession, Mark had put Coco down, stepped closer to Jackson, taken the latte from his hands and placed it on the side table by the door, where they usually leave their keys.

Jackson hasn’t noticed yet how close Mark is. All he’s noticed is the silence and oh no did he just tell Mark he loves him?

“Say that again,” Mark orders, hands reaching out to take Jackson’s.

It’s only now that Jackson notices their proximity. He can smell Mark’s cologne and see every speck of colour in his eyes and Jackson wants to kiss the daylights out of him. But, Mark has a request and who is Jackson to deny him?

“I love you,” he tells him again. “I’m in love with you,”

Mark dives in for a kiss, hands immediately tangling in Jackson’s hair. Jackson wastes no time pressing his tongue into Mark’s mouth. It’s hot and they’re panting and Jackson is running his hands up Mark’s sides beneath his t-shirt.

Mark’s grip tightens on Jackson’s hair. Jackson’s hands inch lower, lower over the curve of Mark’s back until he’s grabbing handfuls of Mark’s ass and the elder is wrapping his legs around Jackson’s toned waist. Jackson carries Mark to the bedroom, kicking the door closed behind him.

Mark kisses along Jackson’s neck, and Jackson throws his head back wth a moan. The teddy bear headband drops to the floor with a soft thud, and Jackson is careful not to stand on it as he walks to the bed and sits on the edge with Mark still in his lap.

Jackson only breaks the kiss to remove Mark’s top. The moment it’s off, Jackson’s mouth is latched to the elder’s upper body, trailing hot kisses across his collarbone and down his sternum. Hands grab at Mark’s hips, before travelling further inward to fumble with the zipper of his sinful skinny jeans.

“Wait, wait, wait,” Mark’s hands press at Jackson’s chest and he stops. He leans back, eyes wide as he searches Mark’s for some sign of what he did wrong. “You know I love you too, right?”

Jackson blinks. He didn’t know, not really, but he’s happy. He would even go so far as ecstatic.

“I’m so fucking in love with you, Jackson Wang,” he stresses, and then there are hands on the back of Jackson’s head pulling him for another longing kiss.

Mark’s hands unbutton Jackson’s top and not a minute later those same nimble fingers are exploring Jackson’s torso. Mark is still on Jackson’s lap, grinding with every kiss and making it harder for Jackson to think with every soft mewl.

One of Jackson’s hands finds it’s way to the front of Mark’s briefs and Mark keens. Jackson’s mind is gone, as Jackson is on Mark. His blood feels like it’s been set aflame, no one’s ever had this sort of effect on him.

Mark is writhing in his lap and kissing his neck and breathing his name and Jackson needs more. His free hand finds the backs of Mark’s jeans and slips in, under his briefs. He squeezes and just when he’s about to take things the next step further, Mark stops him again.

“Wait, Jackson, wait, I’m sorry,” he said, short of breath and looking oh, so beautiful in the golden afternoon light that’s streaming in from the window. “We shouldn’t. I want to, you know I do, but I don’t want our first time together to be makeup sex from a stupid fight. You deserve better than that; _we_ deserve better than that,”

Jackson hates that he makes sense.

“You’re right,” he kisses Mark, and his lips linger once the kiss is done. “I believe I promised you a new sweater,”

“You did,” he says with that angelic smile. “I believe you also promised to wear a bear on your head as long as I want you to, so I feel like now is a good time to mention that Bambam texted earlier when you were gone. He and Yugyeom want us to go out with them tonight,”

Jackson groans at the thought of wearing a bear on his head any longer, but he knows he will do it anyway. He will do anything it takes to make Mark smile.

“Okay, fine. We’ll get you some more Starbucks because I think that ones gone cold now, get you some nice, fall sweaters and then meet up with the others,” Jackson concedes. Mark moves to stand but Jackson’s hands are already stopping him and there’s a smile on his face that Mark is sure he’ll like, “Just let me suck you off before we go,”

Their evening plays out nicely. Mark gets pumpkin spice while Jackson gets plain black coffee. Mark comes home with four new sweaters. They go bowling and eat burgers with Yugyeom and Bambam.

The younger couple drags them out to karaoke. Mark is too shy to sing, but Jackson serenades Mark. It’s some short, slow Elvis song about how falling in love with Mark feels inevitable, because it does. Jackson has always tried to protect his heart and never truly let anyone in, not completely. But he’s let Mark in, he doesn’t actually think Mark will wver leave his heart.

It’s like the song says, just as the river flows to the sea, some things are purely meant to be. Jackson knows meeting Mark is one of them.

 

 

 

 

It’s late October now, Halloween. The couple haven’t had another fight since and things are as good as they can be, for now. Jackson is so in love with Mark and he’s waiting for the day that Mark no longer loves him. Sometimes, he thinks it won’t come, but he knows better.

Jackson is waiting, only mostly patient. His face paint is itching and he’s resisting the urge to play with his slicked back and heavily gelled hair and he’s getting too warm in his black skinny jeans, top and hoodie. But Mark isn’t quite ready yet and so Jackson waits because he knows that Mark will look amazing when he is ready.

And boy, is Jackson right. Mark walks out of the bathroom and he’s wearing tight leather pants and a white shirt with some sort of ruffle at the front and he’s got a cape on and a little black velvet choker and Jackson already wants to die in the best way. Mark smiles and Jackson can see those vampire teeth between plush, painted red lips. Jackson can barely bring himself to look Mark in the heavily-lined eye in fear of losing himself right then and there.

 _Hottest Dracula ever_ Jackson muses.

“Are you sure we have to go to this party?” Jackson asks, eying Mark up and down once more.

“We promised the kids,” he said, referring to Bambam and Yugyeom.

Jackson groans, as he often does when he can’t just stay home and appreciate Mark’s body, but he doesn’t say anything more of it. Mark is always right, after all.

They arrive just when the party is really starting to turn up. They could hear the bass thumping from down the road, where their Uber had to park as the rest of the street was already lined with cars.

It wasn’t too late, around 9, but Jackson was still surprised at the amount of kids that were out trick-or-treating at this time. Of course, between the mini doctors and witches hats and white-sheet-ghosts, there was the occasional slutty nurse or playboy bunny that seemed to be heading in the same direction as he and Mark.

Mark looks good tonight, as he does every night, and while Jackson loves his costume (cool, mostly comfortable, fairly effortless) he starts to think that maybe he should’ve picked something a little sexier for Mark. Mark looks like a dark, dangerous god. Jackson looks like he forgot it was Halloween.

He looks across at Mark again, and holds his hand a little tighter to stop himself from turning back and going home.

“Sorry,” he says as they are almost at Bambam’s doorstep, “I probably should’ve picked a better costume. You look amazing, you should be with someone who puts the same effort in,”

“Don’t be stupid,” Mark says back, stopping and pulling Jackson into a chaste kiss so not to ruin the meticulously-painted skull on his face. “I know you put thought into your costume, I know what it is, I know how long it took you to do all of that makeup, and you look sexy as always. Don’t ever apologise for being you,”

Jackson is so in love he could cry. He kisses Mark softly one more time. “You’re perfect,”

When they knock at the door, they’re greeted by a tipsy Bambam, who seems to be dressed like some sort of cat, if the latex bodysuit, heavy eyeliner and ears were anything to go by.

“Whoa, Mark you look awesome!” He beams, “Jackson…I don’t get it, but you look cool too!”

Mark rolls his eyes so Jackson doesn’t get any more insecure. “He’s Tate Langdon. Come on Bam, where’s your pop culture knowledge?”

Bambam shrugs as much as he can in the tight suit.

“I must have left it somewhere while I was busy actually having a life,” he jokes. “Come in guys, beer is in the kitchen,”

They get drunk, probably too quickly.

Jackson spends some time on the sidelines while Mark dances. Mark isn’t a great dancer, but he has enough confidence to get away with it. Jackson, on the other hand, is a great dancer, but it takes him a few more drinks before he’s comfortable enough to do it.

So, for now, Jackson watches. Mark is gorgeous - the leather pants accentuate all of the right curves, the crimson lipstick makes his lips look even more kissable and the eyeliner gives him an air of danger that Jackson finds himself very attracted to.

Jackson also notices the way other people notice Mark, too. He feels the jealousy start to burn inside of him, though he knows Mark is his. But maybe Mark is noticing other people too, and Jackson is just too far gone to see it. Mark can do better, that much Jackson is aware of. He wouldn’t be surprised if, one day, Mark releases this fact too.

Eventually, Jackson slides onto the dance floor behind Mark, hands on his boyfriend’s waist as Mark grinds on him. It’s almost too much for Jackson to handle, but he manages. Jackson doesn’t know exactly how long they dance for, but somewhere in between their light touches get heavier.

Jackson’s hand is firm on Mark’s backside, and Jackson is almost positive that Mark is rubbing himself on Jackson’s thigh on purpose. Mark’s breath ghosts over the shell of Jackson’s ear before he starts planting kisses there, moving downward at an agonisingly slow pace.

“Mark,” Jackson shudders, and Mark slides a hand between their bodies. Jackson knows he is drunk, they both are, and he knows that they could too easily be seen, but he can’t seem to care enough to stop his boyfriend from rubbing his palm against Jackson’s growing bulge.

“Shh,” Mark whispers into Jackson’s ear, “no one will see you,”

Mark has made sure of it, as he has managed to back Jackson into a corner and has his cape falling at just the right angle to block anyone’s view. He wants this sight all to himself.

Jackson lets out a soft moan, thankful for the booming bass so that no one but Mark could hear it. Warm fingers toy with the edge of his briefs as another hand pops open his button and undoes the zipper.

“Do you trust me?” Mark asks, and how can Jackson ever say no when Mark is looking at him like he wants to ear him. Jackson can only nod, “Can I?”

Jackson nods again.

Mark’s hands dip down, taking Jackson’s hot length and pumping at a steady pace. Jackson’s breath catches in his throat and he can feel the alcohol leaving his system slowly. His eyes dart around the room, watching as people pass them by unaware of the things Mark is doing to Jackson.

A hand finds its way to Jackson’s face and forces him to look back at Mark.

“Look at me,” Mark says and Jackson could cry out from the way Mark flicks his thumb over Jackson’s head. “Just look at me. Ignore everyone else, they won’t see us, okay? Only look at me, baby,”

And Jackson obeys like the good boy he is. His eyes don’t leave Mark’s, not until the elder leans in for a kiss that is all tongue and his hand tightens around Jackson and Jackson wants to scream.

“Ah, _fuck_ , Mark,” he hisses.

“Are you going to cum?” Mark asks under his breath, a smirk on his lips and lust in his eyes. Jackson’s stomach tightens at the look.

“No,” he gasps as Mark strokes him at a slower, teasing pace, “I need more, Mark please,”

“What do you need baby? Tell me, I want to make you feel good,” Mark urges.

“I need you to fuck me,” Jackson says and suddenly they’re both completely sober.

Mark’s strokes stop for a moment, but he quickly resumes his slow pace.

“I can get us an Uber,” Mark offers. Jackson is glad that Mark seems to want the same thing.

“No, Mark, please that’ll take too long,” he begs, feeling the heat on his face and pooling in his stomach. He’s so close, but he wants more first.

“Jacks, I want our first time to be perfect,” Mark tells him.

“It will be!” Jackson argues, “you and me, that’s perfect. If you really don’t want to then I can wait, but, Mark you’re driving me crazy right now and I’m so hard and I know where Bambam’s spare room is,”

Mark smirks and kisses Jackson again. He manages to get Jackson’s large cock back into his jeans and takes his hand. “Lead the way,”

(They pass Yugyeom on their way, and Jackson not so eloquently tells him that his spare room will be occupied until tomorrow.)

They make sure to lock the door, and the moment they do they’re back on each other. Jackson unbuttons Mark’s shirt while they kiss, and Mark manages to get Jackson’s jeans back down to his thighs. Jackson pushes Mark’s shirt off his shoulders, right before Mark drops to his knees.

Jackson could scream when Mark takes him into his mouth. He isn’t gentle about it either, taking him in the whole way. Jackson’s hands find themselves tangled in Mark’s hair as he starts to gently rock his hips. Mark hums around Jackson and that’s all it takes for Jackson to start fucking Mark’s mouth. Mark is moaning and looking up at Jackson when Jackson orders him to touch himself while Jackson face-fucks him. Mark readily obliges, taking his leaking cock out of confinement and starts jerking himself off. Mark is huge and red and there’s already precum and it’s just all a bit too much for Jackson as he comes into Mark’s mouth with a cry.

Mark swallows it all while smiling up at Jackson. Jackson thinks that maybe Mark should’ve dressed like a devil instead.

“Get on the bed,” Mark orders and Jackson does so.

Mark pounces on him not a moment later, his clothes now completely shed. He undresses Jackson, too, in between needy kisses.

“Do you want to ride me?” Mark asks and Jackson’s eyes seem to light up at the thought. He nods and they flip positions.

Jackson looks beautiful like this, Mark thinks. His whole body is flushed, his chest is still heaving from his orgasm and he’s on his knees, thick thighs on either side of Mark. He’s gorgeous, and he wishes that Jackson could see himself like this.

Mark lets his hands roam Jackson’s body for a while, feeling every hard edge that he’s oh-so familiar with, yet somehow still finds new things to explore. Like the way Jackson mewls and leans into Mark’s touch when his fingertips graze Jackson’s nipples.

Mark lifts a hand to Jackson’s lips. “I don’t have anything here to prep you, baby. You have to suck,”

Jackson takes three digits into his mouth and sucks them gently, his tongue taking its time on each. Mark is getting impatient, he needs Jackson and he’s so close to finally having him that it almost feels like a dream.

When Jackson deems the fingers wet enough, he pulls them from his mouth with a slick _pop_. Mark sits up to kiss him as his hand reaches for Jackson’s entrance. Jackson kisses back, but Mark notices the hesitation.

“Jacks,” he whispers, “if you don’t want to anymore, that’s okay,”

“No,” Jackson says and shakes his head, suddenly embarrassed, “I’ve never, um…”

“Oh,” Mark says, “you’re a virgin?”

“Not quite. I’ve had sex, I’ve just never…”

“With a guy?”

“I’ve never _taken_ it before,” Jackson finally admits.

Mark offers Jackson a soothing smile and brushes some stray blonde locks from his boyfriend’s face. “We can switch, if you want to,”

“I don’t want to,” Jackson says. He surges forward for a kiss, “I want to feel you, Mark,”

So Mark carefully starts to push the first finger in. He peppers Jackson’s face with kisses so to calm the younger down. He scissors Jackson open slowly, keeping to the same pace until Jackson is begging him to speed up.

It’s not long before Jackson has had enough of fingers and lowers himself onto Mark’s throbbing length.

He bounces slowly, gently at first, but soon enough he’s riding Mark’s cock like he does it for a living.

Mark is a moaning mess on the bed, unable to take his eyes off the godlike man above him. Jackson is almost screaming and he doesn’t care who can hear him. Mark fills him up perfectly, it’s the type of euphoria that Jackson thinks not everyone gets to experience.

He cums again, moaning Mark’s name into his mouth, and Mark bucks his hips as he cums into Jackson at the same time. He repeats Jackson’s name like a prayer, even after they’ve both finished.

Mark uses his cape to clean Jackson up as best he can until they can use the bathroom tomorrow morning. They sleep naked, spent and happy. They share sloppy, lazy kisses and alternate big spoon and little spoon.

They whisper _I love you_ , even when they think the other might not be listening.

Jackson sleeps soundly, that night, in the arms of the man who, for a moment, he forgets will break his heart.


	3. 03.  Winter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this at 1am while sick so please forgive any mistakes (or notify me of them) and plain bad writing.

**03.Winter**

 

Mark leaps from his place on Jackson’s lap when the doorbell finally rings. Jackson whines but follows him anyway. He will always follow Mark.

“Finally,” Mark complains and swings the door open to reveal the maknae line. “You two are late, again,”

Bambam grins a sheepish grin. Jackson takes in the two of them. Yugyeom’s hair is a mess and Bambam’s shirt isn’t tucked in quite properly.

Jackson smirks. “You two had sex right before you had to leave again, didn’t you?”

Really, it was classic of them. They couldn’t keep their hands off each other most days, but their need for each other seemed to increase whenever they had scheduled plans, causing them to be known for their lateness.

“Yah!” Bambam hisses, “We agreed that after our Halloween party you two wouldn’t tease us for our sexual escapades anymore!”

Bambam did have a point, but it was just so hard for Jackson to resist when Bambam’s constant thirst for Yugyeom gave Jackson endless ammunition. The three of them had been friends for years, and the younger couple was quick to accept Mark, too. In fact, everyone was quick to accept him.

Being with Mark feels so natural. Every day, every hour, every minute with him it feel like they’ve known each other forever.

It’s Christmas eve, and he is glad Mark is here with him, at JB and Jinyoung’s house, with his two best friends for Christmas dinner. He is glad everyone took to Mark as easily as he did.

“Yeah, yeah, okay,” Mark agrees.

“Maybe just tuck your shirt in, Bam,” Jackson teases one last time, “you know how proper Jinyoung is about his dinners,”

The maknaes only barely get scolded by Jinyoung for their tardiness and messy appearance, but he always had a soft spot for them (which they exploit to no end).

Aside from that, dinner goes off without a hitch. It’s three courses, all meticulously prepared by Jinyoung. Some sort of soup with homemade garlic bread for the starter, a main course of roast chicken and copious amounts vegetables and salads, finished off with gingerbread ice cream for desert. Jackson is happy, maybe happier than he’s ever been.

Here, with his friends and family and Mark, he feels complete, whole in a way he never thought possible before. Sure, he’s been to a million of Jinyoung’s fancy dinners with the four of them, but he’s always been the fifth wheel. He never would’ve brought one of his high school crushes or college hook-ups to something so personal and intimate as this.

But being with Mark…it’s the best feeling Jackson has ever had the pleasure to experience. He’s laughing and smiling and even JB has mentioned that Jackson is coming out of his shell more and shedding his pessimistic skin and it’s all thanks to Mark. Jackson even, occasionally, thinks he won’t get his heart broken.

After dinner, Bambam and Yugyeom are already helping themselves to JB and Jinyoung’s boardgames as they compete in a merciless game of Guess Who. Mark helps Jinyoung clear the table and do the dishes. Jackson just watches him fondly from where he’s standing across the room.

Mark isn’t looking at him, he’s too busy chatting with Jinyoung to notice Jackson’s stares, but Jackson loves it. He loves watching Mark when Mark isn’t aware. He knows that when Mark knows, his elder gets a little self conscious and will act a little differently - not a lot, but he’ll hide his face a bit more or be more aware of how he smiles or laughs. Jackson likes him like this - completely unabashed and beaming and laughing that gorgeous, hyena laugh of his without a care. This, Jackson knows, is when he’s most beautiful.

Jackson only jumps a little when JB speaks from beside him (and he’ll deny it if ever asked).

“They seem to get along, huh?” JB says.

Jackson smiles across at him. “Yeah, they do. I’m glad. Mark doesn’t have a lot of friends, and I’ve never brought anyone to something like this before. I’m glad everyone has been so accepting of him,”

“Of course,” JB says, and Jackson thinks he hasn’t seen his brother look this serious in a long time, “he’s nice, and you clearly love him, and he is so obviously gone on you too, Jackson,”

Jackson doesn’t say anything to that, just smiles at Mark again. Mark catches his eye, this time, and smiles the sweetest, smallest, shy smile back at him and Jackson thinks his heart genuinely stops at the sight. Mark continues his conversation with Jinyoung without a beat, as though he didn’t just kill Jackson with a single look.

JB speaks again, but this time Jackson isn’t sure how to feel about what it is he says.

“Cherish every, single moment you have with him, Jackson, because all you have is now,” JB tells him, “Never let him out of your sight for as long as you can. You’re happy together, but you never know when you won’t have him anymore,”

Jackson just gives him a half-hearted smile, and joins his friends for a game of Hungry Hippos.

Mark and Jinyoung finish cleaning around the third time Jackson beats Bambam, Yugyeom and JB at Uno. Mark’s hand on Jackson’s shoulder startles him, but he smiles the moment he looks up at his boyfriend.

“Hey guys,” Mark starts, and he isn’t looking at Jackson just yet, “You don’t mind if I steal Jackson away for a minute, do you?”

No one protests, if anything they urge him to leave on the basis that someone else deserves to win for once. Jackson raises his hands in surrender, hands over his cards and stands. Mark takes his hand, and they head into Jackson’s room at the end of the hall.

Jackson closes the door as Mark makes himself comfortable on the bed.

“It’s nice that they keep a room here for you,” Mark says. He knows that Jackson was practically raised by JB, and he feels, almost a sort of relief, that Jackson always has a place with them if anything were to happen.

“Yeah, well,” Jackson sits on the bed beside Mark and takes his hand, resting it on his thigh, “after what happened with mom, and dad not wanting to take me in, I think he just wants to make sure that I’m always looked after,”

“Jacks, I…” Mark starts, but seems unsure to continue. He wants to speak, but he’s terrified of crossing some sort of line. Fuck it, he decides, and voices his concerns, “I overheard what JB said to you earlier, about not having me forever. I noticed how uncomfortable and…almost insecure you seemed, I just want to make sure you know that…well, I will always be here. You have me, Jackson, forever. I can’t even begin to think of a life without you so I just want to make sure you know that, as long as I have a choice in it, I’ll be by your side,”

Something akin to a smile crosses Jackson’s face, but it’s a little sad, Mark notices. He doesn’t get to ask why, as Jackson already has a hand on his face and is kissing him so tenderly Mark feels himself falling in love all over again.

“I love you, Mark,” his voice is light against Mark’s lips, but there’s a heaviness to his words that Mark can’t quite pinpoint.

Mark kisses him again, a bit harder.

“Have I ever told you about Youngjae?” Jackson asks, once they part. Mark shakes his head, and Jackson takes this as his cue to continue, “well, he grew up with JB, Jinyoung and me. JB and Youngjae had been together…pretty much as long as I can remember.

“Jinyoung was always in love with JB, growing up, but they were all such good friends he never said anything. Youngjae was really sweet, too. He helped JB look after me once our parents were gone. He was JB’s first everything, he was JB’s everything. Even now, I know JB isn’t quite over Youngjae. Jinyoung knows he isn’t over Youngjae, but considering what happened, I don’t think he ever will be.

“Youngjae died. I was there, I saw the whole thing. It was an accident, just a hit and run. He and JB had just rented their first house together. Youngjae and I had gone outside to get some boxes from the car. The driveway at the house was a bit funny, and we couldn’t get the removal truck in there quite right so they had to park it across the street.

“Youngjae handed me a box, made sure I looked both ways before crossing, and sent me to wait for him in the front yard. He grabbed a bigger box than me, obviously - he was older and he thought he would be okay. The box was too big, though, and he couldn’t see the road and then this car came speeding around the corder and suddenly he was just…lying there.

“I still remember his body, you know. His neck was twisted at an unnatural angle and there was blood coming from his mouth. I knew, the second it happened, I knew he was gone. I had to go inside and tell JB what happened. It was one of the worst days of both of our lives.

“Jinyoung was there for him, of course. He never pushed, and he never actually made a move on JB out of respect for his and Youngjae’s relationship. It was JB that kissed him, the first time. I don’t blame Jinyoung for taking his chance, he’s been in love with JB forever, so I understand.

“And he never blamed JB for how he feels when it comes to Youngjae. They visit his grave every year. I think youngjae would approve of their relationship, to be honest. He would want JB to be happy. JB even went to visit Youngjae before he proposed to Jinyoung. He wanted Youngjae to know that he still loves him, but he wanted Youngjae to be the first to know. He loves Jinyoung, more than anything, and I’m so glad they have each other, but JB hyung has never quite been the same since.

“That’s what he was talking about, tonight. He wasn’t suggesting that you were going to leave me, not intentionally, anyway,”

Mark doesn’t have words when Jackson is finished speaking. What could he possibly say that would make anything okay?

He looks at the man he loves, and his heart breaks to see tears shining in those eyes.

“Jackson,” his voice cracks when he speaks, but Jackson hears him.

Jackson smiles and wipes at his eyes. “Sorry,” he says, “That was probably a bit too much of a downer story for Christmas Eve,”

“No,” Mark says, and he doesn’t miss beat. “No, Jackson, don’t apologise for telling me something like that, ever. What happened with Youngjae was tragic, you have every right to cry,”

Jackson lets out a small sob, because he really doesn’t know what he did to end up with someone like Mark, and Mark immediately pulls Jackson’s head to his chest. Jackson just cries, for a while, and Mark wishes there was something he could do to help, to make something better, but he knows he can’t.

When Jackson’s sobs slow enough for him to lift his head, Mark wipes his tears away with the paws of his sweater. He peppers Jackson’s face with kisses and mutters soft I love you’s into every inch of Jackson’s skin.

They make love, right there in that room at the end of the hall. It’s soft and slow so that no one knows what they’re doing (though they’ve been in there so long, Jackson is sure everyone knows).

It’s sexy and it’s sensual, the way Mark is rocking his body so gently but with so much raw desire and Jackson doesn’t think he’s ever experienced something quite like this before.

Jackson’s eyes are closed when he finishes across their stomachs, but all he sees is Mark. Not long after he feels something warm him and he knows Mark is spent, too.

They stay in that room just a little while longer. It feels almost like a sanctuary, a small piece of the world where it’s just them and the way they feel for each other and nothing else matters.

They do, eventually, rejoin the real world though. When they emerge from the room at the end of the hall, Bambam looks like he’s ready to start making jokes, but he must see the way Jackson’s eyes are red and his cheeks are tear-stained because he shuts his mouth before he says anything.

Everyone can tell Jackson has been crying, but they also see the way Mark is holding onto Jackson’s hand like it’s the only thing tethering him to this world to they know Mark isn’t to blame, and they don’t pry.

“Look,” Yugyeom says, once Mark and Jackson make it to the end of the hall, “You’re standing under mistletoe. You guys have to kiss now,”

Mark looks up and sure enough, there is mistletoe. He wonders how he didn’t notice it before, but he also thinks it doesn’t matter because he never needs an excuse to kiss Jackson.

Still, he wraps his hand around the back of Jackson’s neck and pulls him in for a deep kiss. He doesn’t care that there are people watching (and cheering and hooting and clapping and even one telling them to get a room, like they didn’t just come out of one). All Mark can really think of, in this moment, is how perfect Jackson’s lips slide with his and how natural it feels to have their bodies pressed together.

As Jackson tilts his head and deepens the kiss, all Mark can think is how lucky he is that, after all the tragedy Jackson has witnessed, he hasn’t closed his heart off completely. All Mark can think, is how how happy he is that he is the one that gets to take care of Jackson’s heart, forever.

 

 

 

 

The first thing Jackson sees when he opens his eyes is Mark’s sleeping face. He should be used to this by now. Mark and Coco are at his house most days of the week, and when they aren’t Jackson usually shows up at Mark’s place. He wakes up beside Mark more often than he doesn’t, but it still takes him by surprise every time he sees his boyfriend’s angelic, sleeping face.

He can’t resist pressing a kiss to the tip of Mark’s nose. Jackson notices the briefest smile flicker upon Mark’s before his boyfriend scrunches up his nose. Jackson swoons at how cute Mark is.

“Kiss me again,” Mark murmurs, eyes still closed. Jackson obliges with another small, butterfly kiss to the tip of Mark’s sharp nose. “Now kiss me properly,”

Jackson does. He all but rolls on top of Mark as they kiss, and Jackson can feel every inch of Mark, from his prominent collarbones to his half-erect morning wood. He lets his tongue flick at Mark’s lower lip and the latter easily let’s Jackson in.

Mark’s hands find their way to Jackson’s hair, gripping tight and pulling Jackson in to deepen the kiss. Jackson moans and pulls his lips away from Mark’s, to which Mark lets out a disappointed noise.

Jackson nudges Mark’s nose with his own.

“Merry Christmas,” he says with a lazy smile.

“Merry Christmas to you, too,” Mark smiles back and swoops up to capture Jackson’s lips in another kiss. Arms wrap around Jackson’s neck, and a firm thigh pushes it’s way between his legs and it’s causing a bit of a dangerous situation, for Jackson, because he isn’t sure he can resist if Mark continues. He pulls away again, and Mark pouts.

“I have something for you,” Jackson explains. Mark seems to perk up a bit at this. Jackson twists, careful not to disconnect their legs, and reaches into his bedside drawer for a small box covered in white wrapping paper with blue, glittery snowflakes. “Here. Merry Christmas, Mark,”

Mark takes the box and is gentle with unwrapping it. Jackson clearly put a lot of care into making this look neat, and Mark wants to appreciate all of it.

Underneath the wrapping is a rectangular, velvet box and when he opens it what he sees takes his breath away.

“Jackson, they’re beautiful,” Mark says, and he’s a little bit speechless because these look so expensive.

Two bracelets sit in the velvet box, one white gold, one rose gold and both more stunning than any piece of jewellery Mark has ever seen.

“I had them custom made, they’re couple bracelets. I couldn’t find any that were quite good enough for you, so I had them custom made. I didn’t know which colour you’d prefer, and I couldn’t imagine which would look better on you because you look so good in everything, so I got one of each. I figured you could pick the one you like and I’ll just wear the other one. I just wanted to get you something to symbolise me, to symbolise us. I want you to have something of me with you even when I can’t be,”

Jackson is well aware that he is rambling, but he can’t seem to stop. Not until Mark is whispering his name and putting his hands over Jackson’s.

“This must have cost a fortune,” he says.

“Yeah, put a but of a hole in my savings, but I don’t mind spending it on you,”

“I love it. Thank you,” they kiss again. Mark takes a bracelet from the box. “Help me put it on?”

Mark holds out a slender wrist and Jackson clasps the chain around his milky skin. Mark returns the favour and the moment feels so innocent and intimate and for a few minutes they just stare at each other and silently thank all of the heavens that they met.

“There’s something else,” Jackson says, and Mark is about to protest but what Jackson says is not what he is expecting. “I think you should move in with me,”

“Um,” Mark blinks, “What?”

“I mean it makes sense, doesn’t it?” Jackson says, and Mark can feel the enthusiasm radiating off him in waves. It disheartens him a little, Jackson’s excitement. “I know it’s hard bringing Coco around everywhere, and you spend most of your time here anyway. And we love each other - Mark I want to wake up next to you every day,”

Mark frowns and closes his eyes tight and shakes his head a little.

“Jackson, I...no,” he says.

The pain on Jackson’s face breaks his heart more than he thought possible.

“Oh,” Jackson says and thinks that maybe this is the heartbreak he spent his whole life preparing for.

“It’s not because I don’t want to,” he soothes, resting his hands on Jackson’s knees, “I just think that the timing, and don’t get me wrong, but maybe the motivation is not the best. Jacks, baby, I know you’re a bit caught up in what JB said last night, and I think that’s why you’re asking me to move in now - because you’re afraid of losing me, and I get it, I do. But fear and worry aren’t good reasons to move in together, so I’m not saying mo forever, just for now,”

Jackson heaves a sigh. “Yeah, you’re right,”

“I usually am,” Mark comments, and Jackson can’t resist the kiss he is offered when he sees that cheeky grin. Their foreheads linger after their kiss ends. “Ask me again another time?”

Jackson offers a small smile. “You can count on it,”

They kiss and their bodies end up tangled together and Jackson has already forgotten his brief heartbreak.

 

 

 

 

It’s seven minutes to midnight and they’re speeding down an empty highway in Jackson’s car because they decided at the last minute to go to the city and watch the New Years fireworks.

Mark is in the passenger seat, giggling at the look of determination on Jackson’s face. Mark has never been in the city for the fireworks before, and Jackson is on a mission to change that. Mark doesn’t think they’ll make it quite on time - they’re just outside the city now and Jackson is going a little faster than the limit because they’ve got the road to themselves but time is counting down and Mark doesn’t care where he is as long as Jackson is with him.

“Jacks, maybe we should pull over?” He suggests, “I don’t think we’ll make it to the heart of the city and if we pull over I can still get a New Years kiss,”

“I promised you fireworks,” is all he says in response.

He appreciates Jackson’s determination, and he wishes they would make it to the city, he does, but it’s now just under four minutes to go and while he knows their turnoff is coming up soon, it’s not soon enough.

Mark smiles a little, shakes his head and watches as the world flies past them in streams of coloured lights. Everyday with Jackson feels like this drive, fast, exhilarating, like the world is rushing past and they’re taking their time, together.

One minute to go, and Mark turns to Jackson.

“Baby, we aren’t making it, just pull into the emergency lane and kiss-” his sentence is cut off by a loud bang of fireworks. Mark looks out the window and he knows how close they are because the giant starburst of colour is right above him.

He won’t admit he’s a little disappointed that his first New Years with Jackson and he doesn’t get a kiss. He doesn’t need to admit it, either, because Jackson is not only determined to show Mark the best fireworks, but also to get his own kiss.

Jackson looks around, checks all his mirrors, and when he is sure there’s no one else on the road, he leans over and kisses Mark quickly. The kiss is dangerous and fleeting and it leaves Mark’s lips burning and he breaks out in hysterical, giddy laughter because did Jackson just do that? Did Jackson just kiss him, while speeding down a highway at midnight?

They reach their exit, and they’re parked just underneath a bridge just in time to watch almost the full display of fireworks.

They sit in comfortable silence, taking in the beauty before them. (For Mark, it’s the fireworks. For Jackson, it’s Mark.)

Jackson can’t take his eyes off this man and for a minute, he wonders how he ever thought Mark could break his heart.

He feels like his time with Mark is rushing by too fast and there’s nothing he can do to stop it. It’s an ominous feeling, the one Jackson has. He feels like the end is coming and he can’t exactly pinpoint why. He just wishes he could find a way to make time move slower. He wants to make every second last.

Jackson glances up at the sky, and back at Mark. His face is illuminated by the coloured lights of the firework display and Jackson wonders if he’s ever seen something so beautiful as Mark Tuan. He doesn’t think he has. So, he says it.

“You’re beautiful, Mark,” he says, “Thank you for loving me,”

A wide grin graces Mark’s features. “Anytime, baby,”

And Jackson can’t help but leaning across the dashboard to plant his lips on Mark’s.

They start the year off right, Jackson thinks, with Mark riding him in the front seat of his car. Mark looks beautiful, skin flushed and pupils dilated and hair stuck to his forehead from sweat. Jackson is grateful for the cover of night and the light spreading of snow that is keeping them from public view.

Jackson whispers words of praise into Mark’s skin. Beautiful. Gorgeous. Mine. Jackson’s husky voice repeats like a mantra and Mark is getting closer and closer with every syllable.

Mark whines and throws his head back, a slew of moans trailing from his mouth with every hard thrust of Jackson’s expert hips. Mark has never been filled the way Jackson fills him, and he loves every second of it. Jackson holds Mark’s hips, holding him just above Jackson’s cock so he can pound Mark just right.

Mark’s head is thrown back again, and Jackson stares at that long neck. He licks a hot stripe up and over Marks Adam’s apple, and that’s all it takes for Mark to cum. Jackson peels Mark off him once Mark is done, because he doesn’t want Mark to go a whole drive home with cum drying in his ass.

Mark understands, and reaches over to jerk Jackson off until he climaxes too. He cries Mark’s name as he cums on said man’s hand, and Mark thinks he could listen to that all day.

They slump in their seats, exhausted. It’s silent, aside from their heavy breaths, until Mark speaks.

“Fuck it,” Mark says, “let’s just find a hotel. Coco is with Jinyoung and JB tonight anyway,”

And so they do. It’s a four-star hotel that they find. Usually Mark wouldn’t spend such an exuberant amount of money on something like this, but tonight he does. Tonight he feels good and happy and like something good is starting. It is a new year, after all.

They fuck again, in the spa bath, and in the shower, and they order room service. They lay their heads on duck-feather pillows and talk about their resolutions. They make love, this time utilising the bed.

Everything feels good. Neither of them think that anything could possibly go wrong from here on out. It’s them against the world, and they think the odds are in their favour.

“Here’s to a new year,” Jackson whispers into Mark’s mouth, before pouring him a glass of the champagne they ordered with room service. He plops a half strawberry in there too and hands the glass to Mark. He pours his own, “here’s to us,”

Mark smiles and says, “no, here’s to the beginning of our year,”

Jackson beams. “I’ll drink to that,”

And they do, and they make love again and again and everything is perfect.

And Jackson, throwing all caution to the wind, gives himself and his heart completely to Mark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment and/or Kudos if youare enjoying this, it’s the best motivation :)


	4. 04.  Spring

**04.  Spring**

 

Jinyoung surprises everyone when about halfway through his and JB’s engagement dinner in early March, he announces Mark as his best man. They were surprised, because Jinyoung knows a lot of people, but in some way they weren’t surprised at all because Jinyoung did tend to be a little selective.

Jackson was, of course, JB’s best man, but up until this point Jinyoung had been pretty adamant about not having a best man. He didn’t think there was anyone close enough to him that he saw fit to deserve that honour, but obviously he and Mark had grown closer than anyone had expected.

JB is over the moon at the news - he never wanted Jinyoung to be without someone supporting his side of things. Jackson is elated too, but for another reason - he gets to experience not only Mark in a tux, but also what it feels like to see him walk down an aisle.

Mark wasn’t surprised, Jackson supposes Jinyoung must have talked to him about it. That’s something Jackson brings up after dinner, when everyone is too busy dancing and drinking Champagne and wishing the soon-to-be-wed couple all of their happiness.

“So,” Jackson says, and he leans in to Mark’s side to speak to him over the booming music, “You and Jinyoung have gotten pretty close, I see. Anything to tell me?”

His tone is teasing, and Mark gives him a nod then turns to him with a cheeky smile.

He continues Jackson’s teasing with, “Yep, you’ve caught us. We’ve fallen in love and we’re actually planning on hijacking the wedding to get married ourselves,”

Jackson knows he’s joking, but for the briefest second, his irrationally cautious of love mind takes over. For the briefest second, Jackson doesn’t think Mark is joking. For the briefest second, Jackson gets _angry_. Not at Mark, per se, not because he thinks Mark is planning to break his heart, but because Jinyoung would be breaking JB’s heart for the second time and JB doesn’t deserve that. For the briefest second, Jackson thinks it’s better to be alone.

Mark must notice the look that flashes across Jackson’s face in that moment, because he places one hand on Jackson’s knee and uses the other to grab Jackson’s face.

“Hey,” he says, “you know I’m kidding, right?”

“Yeah,” Jackson forces a smile, “Yeah, of course I know. Besides, you’re already going to marry me someday, so, that’d be pretty awkward,”

Jackson punctualness his sentence with a shrug and his tone is joking, and Mark knows it’s a defence mechanism of Jackson’s. They’ve been together long enough for Mark to become familiar with all of Jackson’s fears and insecurities.

Still, his reply is truthful and he makes sure Jackson knows it, too.

“I am,” is all he says.

He doesn’t need to elaborate, because Jackson is smiling and leaning in to kiss him and he doesn’t think this night could get any better. It can, though, as Jackson proves when he takes Mark’s hand and drags him into the empty laundry room.

Mark is laughing the whole way there, and blushing furiously, until Jackson closes the door with a thud and pushes Mark gently against a dryer.

Mark shuts up when Jackson presses his body against his own and their mouths clash in a hungry kiss. Jackson’s hands deftly remove Mark’s button down, before moving to work on his chinos.

“Why are all of your pants always too tight?” Jackson mutters against Mark’s mouth as he struggles with pushing them off the other blonde’s thighs.

“You only say that when you’re trying to take them off,” Mark chuckles, but helps Jackson remove the offending clothing nonetheless.

Jackson drops to his knees unceremoniously and completely removes the rest of Mark’s clothing. He licks his lips at the sight before him, his eyes trail up and then down Mark’s body, taking in all of the elder’s beauty.

Mark is looking down at him, his lips are swollen and his chest is heaving and his cock is swollen against his stomach. Jackson grips Mark’s hips and he relishes the soft moan Mark lets out when he licks the head of Mark’s erection, soft and teasing. He does it again, and Mark’s knees buckle.

“Jackson, more,” Mark begs and it’s music to Jackson’s ears, but he doesn’t give Mark what he wants, not yet.

Jackson waits until Mark is bucking his hips in need and his hands are in Jackson’s hair, almost forcing the younger down and his deep voice is chanting “Jackson, please,”

His warm mouth envelops Mark’s length and they both whimper at the sensation. Jackson manages to take Mark all the way in - he’s done it enough times it’s basically second nature, but Mark still lets out a loud mewl at the feeling, and the view.

Jackson always looks so good for Mark, down on his knees and plush lips wrapped around his cock and Mark knows he won’t last very long like this.

Mark tugs on Jackson’s hair as a way to tell him he’s close - he can’t speak between the moans and gasps that are escaping his lips at the things Jackson is doing to him. Jackson takes the hint, but he doesn’t let go. instead, he reaches around and takes fistfuls of Mark’s ass to hold him in place and Mark is cumming down Jackson’s throat before he can stop himself. Jackson swallows him all the way and smiles up at Mark.

Mark can’t help but chuckle as he helps Jackson back to his feet.

“You know,” he starts, and uses the pocket square from his discarded blazer to wipe the corner of Jackson’s mouth, “we give Yugyeom and Bambam so much shit for being late to all of these events because they have sex first, but we should probably eat our words, considering how much sex we have _at_ these events,”

Jackson laughs and kisses him, then hands him his clothes.

“I will never eat any words I intend for Bambam. No one notices us, anyway,” he says, but the moment they step out of that room he knows everyone notices.

He doesn’t care though, all he notices is Mark.

 

 

 

 

Mark falls sick in early April. Very sick.

It starts, or so Jackson thinks, on a Sunday. They’re in Jackson’s kitchen making breakfast, Mark is frying the eggs while Jackson is crouched on the floor, letting Coco lick the empty shells, when Mark suddenly cries out, clutching his stomach and doubling over in pain.

Jackson shoots up at the sound, unlike any sound Jackson has heard Mark make before, and he wants to take Mark into his arms and comfort him, but he doesn’t know what’s happening and he’s so afraid of hurting Mark he just stands there, arms halfway in the air and staring at his boyfriend, unable to help, like an idiot.

“Mark?” He asks, panicked, “What’s going on? Can you talk? Mark?”

Mark is sitting on the floor now, clutching his stomach in pain. Jackson switches off the stove and sits beside him. Coco comes up to Mark and licks her hand and Mark doesn’t even mind her egg breath.

Jackson is terrified, Mark is in pain and Jackson doesn’t know what’s wrong. It could be anything - what if it’s life threatening? No. He can’t lose Mark, he _won’t_.

“Okay, come on, Mark, we have to get you to a hospital,” Jackson decides, and he’s just about ready to pick Mark up in a fireman carry when Mark finally speaks.

“No!” He cries, sitting up straighter and relinquishing his grip on his stomach. “No hospitals, I’m fine,”

Jackson just stares, wide-eyed at him.

“Wh-what?” He stammers, “What do you mean _no hospitals_? Mark what the fuck was that? Do you know how worried I was? Now you’re just _fine_ suddenly?”

Mark looks up at Jackson, and he looks tired. Jackson feels bad for snapping, but he’s sure Mark understands he was just worried and he’s not angry at him.

“It was just some stomach pain, it passes in a few seconds,” Mark explains, and moves to get up like it’s nothing.

Jackson puts a hand on his arm to stop him. “It passes? How long has this been happening for?”

Mark is silent for a moment. “A few weeks,”

“A few _weeks_? Why didn’t you say anything? This could be serious! I really think we should go to a hospital, Mark,”

“No, Jacks, I don’t want to go to a hospital. Not unless I really have to,” he says.

“Why not?”

“Because if I go to a hospital they need to do blood tests, and I’ve always had weak veins so it’s harder for them to get blood out and they have to try like three times before they even get a vein and it hurt and it - it’s _traumatic_ , Jackson,”

“Why didn’t you at least tell me sooner?” Jackson asked.

“We were just so busy with the engagement, I didn’t want to cause more stress,” he admits. He’s aware it sounds stupid now, but at the time there was enough going on already. Besides, Mark knows himself and he knows his limits, and he knows he’ll be fine.

Jackson doesn’t want to push, so he drops it for the moment, and things are fine for the rest of the day. Well, mostly.

They’re laying in bed later that night, when look flashes across Mark’s features. Jackson frowns, because of course he notices - it’s Mark, and asks what’s wrong.

“Headache,” is all Mark replies. Jackson gestures for Mark to lean on him, and he does.

Gently, Jackson massages the top of Mark’s head with his fingertips. He asks if it’s helping, and Mark nods but Jackson can tell it’s not really. He tries rubbing Mark’s temples, and that seems to soothe him enough for him to start dozing off from his position on Jackson’s chest. Jackson doesn’t stop his movements as he watches Mark sleep.

He’s concerned, not only for Mark’s health, but also because Mark didn’t see fit to tell him. He understands that Mark doesn’t want him to worry, but that doesn’t make it easier for Jackson to deal with. What if it had been more severe? What if Mark passed out, or he fell and couldn’t get up from the pain? What if something had happened, but Jackson had no idea anything was wrong because Mark didn’t want to worry him? It breaks his heart a little, but when he looks at Mark it’s already starting to heal.

Things go okay for a few more days. Mark doesn’t crumble in pain, he has a couple of headaches but they’re manageable with some aspirin, and everything is fine. At least Jackson is aware now, just in case anything does happen (which it does, but at least they had those few days where something actually ran smoothly for them).

“Jacks,” Mark calls, and Jackson wastes no time removing his headset and turning away from the online game he’s playing, “I’m going to go and lie down for a while,”

Jackson notices that Mark doesn’t look very good - tired and paler than usual, and a little out of it.

“Okay, babe,” he says, “I can come and lie with you, if you want?”

Mark nods slowly, and there’s a frown on his face that Jackson is decidedly not a fan of. He rubs his head with one of his sweater paws, and Jackson’s heart clenches at the adorable sight. It’s just unfair of Mark to look so good when Jackson is so concerned for him.

“Finish your match, first,” Mark tell him with a small smile, which Jackson can tell is forced, for his sake. He doesn’t really want to, not when Mark is feeling like this, but he knows from experience that it’s useless arguing with Mark.

So, Jackson finishes his game (throwing it intentionally so to leave sooner) and when he comes to find Mark in their bed, what he sees breaks his heart.

Mark is lying in bed, all lights are off, and his hands are thrown over his head. His shoulders are shaking and Jackson knows he’s crying. He gingerly crawls onto the bed, coming up behind Mark and resting his arm across the elder’s leg so not to upset his stomach.

“I’m sorry,” Mark sobs, “it just hurts so much,”

“Shh, shh, don’t apologise, baby,” Jackson soothes.

Mark still refuses the hospital and he cries himself to sleep in Jackson’s arms.

There’s a minute where Jackson considers taking a sleeping Mark to the hospital anyway, but he agreed no hospitals until Mark feels it’s needed, and he won’t betray Mark’s trust like that. It breaks Jackson’s heart, though, to see Mark like this. The bubbly, happy, full of life man that Jackson fell in love with is hidden away behind the pain he’s in and Jackson just wishes he could take Mark’s pain away and cure him. He knows he can’t, though, and so he just holds Mark as tight as he can.

Jackson gets a text when he’s at work the following Monday. It’s from Mark, and it’s so natural and relaxed it almost makes Jackson angry.

From: MarkiePooh  
Hey Jacks, I’m just checking in to let you know I’m leaving work early. I’m getting my stuff now and I’m going to get an Uber to the hospital.

Jackson tells his boss he needs a second and doesn’t give her a chance to respond before he’s storming outside, dialling Mark’s number.

“ _Hello_?” The soft voice on the other end answers, and he sounds so tired that Jackson’s frustration evaporates.

“Hey, babe,” he greets, “what’s going on?”

“ _Um, it just…_ ” there’s a small sob, and Jackson wishes he could hold him, “ _it just hurts a lot, Jacks. I can’t eat, I can’t even drink water. I feel so dizzy and my head is pounding and…_ ”

“It’s okay baby, don’t talk too much. Where are you now?”

“ _I’m in the locker room, about to get an Uber,_ ”

“Are you alone?”

Mark sniffles and shakes his head, before he realises Jackson can’t hear that. “ _No, Peniel is here with me,”_

“Okay, good. Don’t worry about an Uber, I’m on my way to you now. Is he able to stay with you until I get there?”

Jackson hears Mark mumble something on the other end of the line, and then, “ _Yeah, he can,”_

“Alright baby, I’ll see you soon. Be careful, please?”

“ _I will,_ ”

“I love you,”

_“I love you, too,”_

It’s a ten minute drive, but it takes Jackson longer than he’d like to arrive. He parks across the road, where he usually waits when he’s picking Mark up from work, and he gets out of the car to find Mark when he sees he and Peniel walking across the road. Peniel is holding Mark’s backpack for him, and Jackson is so grateful for Mark to have him as a friend. Jackson helps Mark into the car and says his thanks to Peniel before speeding the whole way to the hospital.

Thankfully, the wait they have in the waiting room is a short one. The doctor takes them into a room so he can do some physical tests and gestures for Mark to lie on the hospital bed.

“I’m just going to examine your stomach,” he says as he lifts Mark’s top, “tell me when it hurts,”

He presses into Mark’s stomach, but Mark doesn’t have to say anything as he’s already crying out in pain. Tears are in his eyes and he’s sobbing and all but screaming and the doctor looks sorry for doing this but that doesn’t make Jackson want to punch him any less.

The doctor tells them what he thinks it is, but follows his theory with letting them know of the need for blood tests. Mark sobs more and shakes his head. The doctor apologises and lets them know a nurse will be in shortly.

“I don’t want the blood tests, I don’t want to be here,” Mark pleads to Jackson through sobs. All Jackson can do is hold his hand and hope for the best.

When the nurse enters with a cart, ready to put a drip in Mark’s arm, Mark immediately turned to face Jackson, already shaking his head and pleading no. The sobs started again, before the nurse had even put the needle in.

Jackson talked to Mark, trying to distract him with conversation about his favourite food and video games and tattoos. Mark was still sobbing, and he screamed when the nurse pushed the needle in.

She removed the needle and replaced it with a small, round band-aid. “No luck there, I’m going to have to try the other side,”

She asks Jackson to stand on the other side, which he does reluctantly. He’s still talking to Mark, making sure Mark only looks at him and not the nurse failing to put yet another cannula into his arm. She removes the needle none too gently, looking fed up with Mark’s sobs and screams.

“Sorry,” she says as she removes her gloves. She doesn’t look sorry and Jackson has some words for her. “Not working out with that one, either. I have to go and get the doctor,”

So she does. Jackson cups Mark’s face and gives him a small smile. “You’re doing great, baby. I know it hurts, but you’re being so strong,”

Mark nods and doesn’t look away from Jackson when the doctor enters this time.

“Oh, uh, is there a reason you’re upset?” The doctor asks. Jackson shoots the doctor a look and for a second he wishes looks really could kill.

“Well that nurse stabbed him with a needle twice and got nowhere, and it hurts him, so that’s why he’s upset,” Jackson snaps. Mark sniffles, and Jackson’s gaze is immediately back on him.

The doctor doesn’t say anything, just checks Mark’s arms over until he finds a vein near the top of his wrist that he deems worthy. That one doesn’t work, either, and Jackson is this close to taking Mark home just so his pained screams will stop.

He finally manages to get the cannula in on the fourth go, and then he leaves. Jackson thinks they all need to work on their bedside manner. Another nurse comes in and gives Mark some medication for the pain which knocks him out pretty immediately. Jackson hates seeing Mark look so tired and lifeless, and his tear-stained cheeks break Jackson’s heart but at least he isn’t in pain for the moment.

He’s discharged from the hospital a few hours later with a prescription for some medication and lots of bed rest (and no alcohol or acidic foods for about a week, which Mark can live with until he tacks on “no coffee, either,”). And just like the doctor presumes, it all passes after a week of watching what he eats and drinking plenty of water.

Finally, it seems like the worst is behind them. After they’ve been through a failed perfect first date, having sex together for the first time at their friend’s Halloween party, now a sickness that, for a moment, seemed almost more lethal than it turned out to be, Jackson thinks they’ve experienced everything. Surely, he thinks, they’ve been through the worst of it and things can only get better from here. They’ve passed everything, he thinks, that could possibly bring him the heartbreak he used to dread so much.

 

 

 

 

Jinyoung and JB’s wedding is a fairly intimate affair, with just barely eighty guests in total, so Jackson doesn’t quite understand why JB is so nervous. Sure, he’s marrying the guy he loves and that’s a big commitment, but it’s a commitment that everyone knows he and Jinyoung are ready for. Everyone says they’re practically married already.

“Hyung, you have to calm down,” Jackson says and hands JB his cufflinks, “you don’t want to be all anxious when Jinyoung walks down that aisle. You need to be relaxed, otherwise seeing Jinyoung is going to be too much,”

“Why?” JB asks, his head snapping up to look at Jackson with a look that suggests Jackson knows something he doesn’t, “have you seen him already today? Does he look good? aish, of course he does, he’s already so good looking,”

“Obviously he looks good, hyung. What I meant is that…well, when you’re in love with someone, and they walk in looking perfect, and you know that they’re yours and you’re theirs and nothing can get in between that…it can be a little overwhelming. Add that person looking the best they’ve ever looked and it’s pretty much a recipe for a heart attack. I just don’t want you dying on your wedding day,”

JB smirks, “speaking from experience?”

Jackson flushes and fiddles with his bowtie, “not the wedding part,”

“Jackson,” JB says, coming up to Jackson and placing a hand on his shoulder, “I’m really glad you found Mark. You deserve to have someone love you with all of their being, and he does,”

“I know, hyung. Thank you, that means a lot coming from you,” he says, and it does because for so long JB has been almost all he’s had. Youngjae and Jinyoung were always there for him too, but they both belonged to JB, really. Jackson is happy to finally have someone all to himself, “I love him too,”

There’s a knock on the door and Mark pokes his head inside the room and Jackson looses the ability to breath because Mark is there and he’s smiling and he’s wearing light eyeliner and a nude smoky eye and Jackson is so lucky that this man is _his_.

“Fuck,” he breathes, still staring at Mark like a deer in headlights.

Mark gives him an amused look. “What?”

Jackson shakes his head and smiles (and missing the look JB is giving him while trying not to laugh), “Nothing, what’s up?”

“It’s time for you two to get out there,” he announces and gives JB a smile, “ready, Mr. Groom?”

“I am,” JB says, and Jackson has never seen him smile so bright.

The wait at the end of the aisle feels like years. JB is getting antsy, Jackson can tell. He’s fidgeting with the cuffs of his sleeves, the hem of his jacket, his earrings. Jackson has to tap him on the shoulder and tell him to calm down more than once.

The music finally starts and Jackson can see the way JB’s eyes light up. Jackson moves his gaze from his brother to the end of the aisle, and suddenly his heart is in his throat and suddenly he understands why JB was so nervous.

Mark looks beautiful. Jackson only saw him briefly earlier, but it wasn’t nearly enough to take in the full sight before him. Hair perfectly coiffed, gloss on his lips and in a well-fitting tuxedo walking down an aisle toward Jackson (well not quite, but he’s known to let himself dream). All at once he’s acutely aware of how much he can’t wait until they’re doing this for real.

Mark shoots him a smile and a subtle wink as he makes his way to his place on the platform. Jackson struggles to focus completely on the ceremony as his eyes keep travelling back to Mark. His boyfriend isn’t helping the situation, either, with the way he’s giving Mark those adorable shy smiles and then looking away like he isn’t making Jackson’s heart race on purpose.

Soon enough JB and Jinyoung are married and everyone has made their way inside for cocktail hour while the newlyweds take their wedding photos outside in the gazebo where the ceremony was held. (Jackson and Mark spend cocktail hour hidden away in one of the bathroom stalls, but what JB and Jinyoung don’t know won’t hurt them).

They eat and they listen to the speeches, they even give speeches of their own, but the whole time they’re thinking about each other. It’s hard not to when the other always looks so good. Jackson thinks, for a moment, that he shouldn’t be so wrapped up in his own relationship during his brother’s wedding but the thought is fleeting. He knows how happy JB is for him, so he doesn’t dwell any longer.

The chicken they have for dinner is a little cold. The cake is a rich caramel and it’s sickly sweet, but it tastes so good that Mark and Jackson both eat too much. The dance floor is crowded, and Mark and Jackson are just one of the many couples taking up the space. Still, when the tempo slows and Jackson is swaying with his arms around Mark’s neck and Mark’s arms are around his waist, they don’t pay any attention to the other couples on the floor and it’s just them.

“This feels nice,” Mark speaks softly into Jackson’s hair, “You, in my arms, slow dancing like this. It feels good,”

Jackson smiles and he thinks he knows exactly what Mark means.

“I love you, Mark,” Jackson says, but doesn’t move his head from it’s place on Mark’s shoulder. At least, not until he says, “move in with me,”

Mark looks taken aback, at first, and responds with, “Jacks, haven’t we talked about this?”

“We have,” Jackson says, “And I admit that before, it was because I was freaked by what JB said about losing you. But it’s not like that right now. Right now, I am just standing here, being in love with you, and wanting you to move in with me because I want to wake up being in love with you every single day,”

Mark positively beams. “You’re sure?”

Jackson nods, and presses a chaste kiss to Mark’s lips.

“Okay,” Mark decides, let’s do it.

This, Mark thinks, is where their life together really starts. Right here, slow dancing in the middle of a crowded room, at their friend's wedding and making their very own commitments to each other. This is the beginning of their very own love story and Mark couldn’t be more excited because wherever Jackson is, to him, is home.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I feel like I should warn you now that the next chapter is basically a really short epilogue - like, probably less than 500 words. I decided to break it off from this chapter in case people wanted a happy ending. So, if you do want this story to end on a happy note, this is where you should stop and should you choose to do that, I appreciate you taking the time to read this anyway :)


	5. 05.  Summer

**05.Summer**

 

The seasons come full circle, and Summer sees Jackson and Mark moving in together.

They just managed to get the last few of Mark’s boxes to fit in Jackson’s car, and Mark for one was glad they didn’t have to come back here anymore and they could properly start their life together.

Mark dumped the heavy box, full of his video games and DVDs, down onto Jackson’s - his own too now, he supposes - kitchen table with a huff.

“Jackson,” he whines with a cute pout, “why do I have so much _stuff_?”

Jackson chuckles and heads over to him, snaking his arms around Mark’s waist and resting his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder.

“I don’t know babe, and I don’t really care,” he shrugs and gives Mark an aegyo smile. “I’m just glad you agreed to move in with me,”

Mark leans and kisses him. It’s soft at first but it never takes long for one of them to deepen their kisses. Jackson tilts his head to give Mark better access and Mark doesn’t hesitate to let his tongue roam Jackson’s warm cavern for the nth time. Jackson can’t wait to spend all of his days like this.

Mark breaks the kiss with a sigh, flushed cheeks and a content smile.

“There’s still one more box,” he tells Jackson, “I’ll go get it, then we can continue this,” he gestures between them with a finger.

“I’ll start unpacking,” Jackson replies, and kisses him once more.

Jackson doesn’t miss the opportunity to smack Mark’s perky backside as he walks past.

Jackson takes one of the boxes from the table and heads into their room. The thought makes him giddy - _their_ room. He’s not alone anymore, he’s found his perfect person. This room isn’t just his now, it’s Mark’s, too and Jackson never thought he could be so happy.

He places the box on the bed and heads over to his own sock drawer. He opens the drawer and fishes out the small, black velvet box. He turns it in his hands, staring at it like it holds the answers to all the questions he’s ever thought to ask about his life. And really, it just might hold those answers if Mark says yes. If Mark says yes, then Jackson doesn’t care what happens for the rest of his life because he will have Mark, for better or for worse, in sickness and health.

He shakes off his thoughts and gets to unpacking before Mark catches him with the ring. He’s almost done unpacking Mark’s things and placing them in his bedside table (the one they bought specifically to match Jackson’s, now that Mark is going to be here permanently) when a noise catches his attention.

His heart drops to his stomach. He’s familiar with that sound - too familiar.

Jackson drops the notebook he’s holding and races outside to find out what caused the car alarm to go off. His heart is racing an his hands are shaking as he opens the front door.

All colour drains from his face. He wants to vomit. He doesn’t even know how he manages to stay standing for so long until his neighbour comes over to him, panic on his face.

“It was so quick! I’ve called the police!” His neighbour tells him as he runs across the road toward Jackson.

Jackson isn’t looking at him, he can’t. All he can see is Mark, lying on the road with his neck was twisted at an unnatural angle and blood coming from his mouth. Mark, dead and lifeless and the spitting image of Youngjae’s last moments.

“it was a hit and run,” His neighbour tells him. Hyeong-don, Jackson thinks his name is. Jackson remembers him for being a pervert and never bothered too much to learn his name. Who knew he’d end up being there when Jackson’s life comes crashing down. “I’m so sorry. I saw him here a lot, were you two close?”

Close? Jackson wouldn’t know where to begin to explain what they were. Friends, lovers, soulmates. It doesn’t matter now, Jackson thinks, because Mark is gone and Jackson is never going to see him laugh again, never going to hold him or tell him he loves him or…or marry him.

A sob escapes Jackson’s lips and he finally manages to close his eyes from the sight before him. He hears Hyeong-don calling his name but he doesn’t open his eyes. He can hear the police sirens now, too, but he can’t bear to look again. He knows what he will see the moment he opens his eyes.

They’re calling his name louder now and all the sounds in the background seem to be fading away. All he can hear is his own name being called, but he refuses to answer because it’s not Mark calling him.

Someone grabs him from behind and spins him, forcing his eyes to snap open and when they do, he’s confused.

It’s Bambam shaking him and he has a look of confusion gracing his usually attractive features. Jackson looks around and his confusion only deepens. He’s back at the park, with Bambam and Yugyeom. Bambam speaks before he can.

“Are you okay, hyung? You blacked out for a while there,” he says and Jackson understands his concern now.

“We were worried, Jackson hyung,” Yugyeom chimes in, “you haven’t done that in a while now. Is everything okay?”

Jackson blinks a few times, he needs a moment. He heaves a heavy sigh and looks away from Bambam, and his eyes meet those of a boy with a beautiful smile, cute vampire teeth, rich brown hair and a little white dog on his lap.

The boy (Mark, Jackson knows him as, but his brain probably made that name up for him too) smiles at Jackson and Jackson wants to smile back but he’s pretty sure the look he gives is more of a grimace because all he can see is the image of this boy lying dead on the road.

Jackson looks away so quickly he doesn’t see the hurt on the boy’s face.

“I’m fine,” he tells his friends, “let’s go, it’s getting late,”

It’s not getting late, but he wants to leave before he has the chance to speak to the pretty boy with the brown hair.

“Are you sure? Because I think that guy with the dog over there is checking you out,” Bambam teases and gestures to Mark. ( _Not Mark_ , Jackson reminds himself, _stupid stupid stupid_ ).

“I’m sure, let’s leave,” Jackson says and starts to walk, not giving Bambam or Yugyeom the chance to say otherwise.

As they leave, he spares one more passing glance at the boy. He smiles again. In his mind, Jackson knows that smile. It’s the smile Mark gives him when he’s feeling cute or he wants Jackson’s attention. It’s the smile that screams _come here and love me._

Jackson keeps walking. Maybe they would be perfect for each other, or maybe they were doomed from the start. Either way, Jackson won’t give himself the chance to find out.


End file.
